i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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