today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
