i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
