Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
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