It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
