fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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