You smell like stripper and shame
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
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