I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
