soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
My butt remains clenched, sir.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
