I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
