Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
50% drunk capacity currently
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Randomize
