I will die if light touches me.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Bring me that man meat
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
