There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
