I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
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