Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
