this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
