Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize