I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
My liver is preforming stress tests.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
