My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
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