the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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