I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
