Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
