The maid of honor just puked.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Randomize
