My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
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