He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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