Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize