in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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