god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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