i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Randomize
