I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
