I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
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