my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
