I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
