That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
