Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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