cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Randomize
