My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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