note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
