and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
