I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
You are a genius and a whore.
Randomize
