There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
