you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize