Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Randomize
