I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
