i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
