i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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