you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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