I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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