Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Randomize
