Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
How external is "for external use only"?
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize