That's when you crack a 10am beer
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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