You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
