i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
This is my life. Enjoy the view
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
