Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Randomize