i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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