Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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