I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
