Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Rumble strips road head = magical
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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