Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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