Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
