It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
